My way of love!

Hmm,apparently I like to write in the morning.Where I can enjoy my coffee in peace and think of things.I was told I don't know what love is...
That's an understatement.I do not know everything,that's impossible, but I know my share.
I am the type of person who is deeper than the surface,sees beyond flesh and feels more than just joy around the one I love.
Even though the people are 'ugly';and by ugly I mean repulsive,greedy and cruel-including me sometimes; I still see the good in them.I still trust them,despite the contrary.
I was told I believe in fantasies,in romantic movies that are not true and does not exist.Too bad people forgot the beauty in that.Those movies are coming from a true story told once by someone.Everything is possible in this world,and for me that's the ultimate motto.
I think part of life is seeing the things and possibilities over the fake wall people show,and beauty in things.It's something big ,coming from a totally pessimistic as me.But that's my survival,my rope taking me from a deep hole,my light in the dark; to go on.
It's been there all along, stronger than anything,keeping me just above the surface of the water,not letting me drown.
As for my believe in love,is like jumping from a cliff believing that you will survive,just that believe.Crazy enough!
The craziness,the ability to do stupid things for your love,to not be afraid of the labels people set in your mind; "Aw,stupid ass,he/ she doesn't know he/ she makes fun of himselve/herself"; when you love,that doesn't matter.If its necessary,you do it.
I'm realistic,maybe too much,but I still can create that balance.
I don't think the classic holding hands,giving flowers or singing a serenade for your lover should be done like a program or set by someone.They are not even needed sometimes,because other things fill your heart.The heart must be fed so it will grow,so much that the bond between two beings is complete,as one soul.
Hard to get that,and to reach it in this world falling apart in the madness and layers of false thinking.
But I am here,I exist and my believes won't vanish any time soon.
I hope everyone can have this in their lives,or at least understand that they already do.
It's okay.

Running!

My day started a little rough,I think.I went for an early run and it didn't go as planned.I couldn't run because of my nose.If the weather changes and it's windy,you have a big problem with that.I changed my mood immediately into anger and the fact that I couldn't do what I pushed myself to accomplish, killed me.
I already have hard times into making me get back my ambition and then you get this.But the anger disappeared after 5 minutes and I was walking,a faster walk.That also good instead of running.Now I know for sure that I am a night person.I prefer to run in the evening and my body agrees with that too.
You can find motivation everywhere around you,you just need to look for it.There is a moment where,for example,you are jealous of a girl you see on the street or magazine and then it hits you.That you can do it too.I discovered that I actually enjoy pushing myself and It makes me feel better.
I don't focus on the result ,but more on the journey and the facts are more important for your mind.Little steps can take you far.
Sometimes it's hard for me to put my thoughts in order or on paper.I think of so many things in such short amount of time that I don't know the first idea of that thought.You can get lost in there and you find the exit ,but then you loose the connection ,totally.I've created this blog so I can extract them ,one by one,and organise it here.It's not as easy as I thought it would be.
I don't know me completely,I guess.I sometimes feel that I think as a man sometimes as what I'm supposed to be,A WOMAN.I'm not questioning my sexuality,It's just about the way I think.
I red an article long time ago about the balanced mind at a human being.It was really interesting and it captivated my attention.I search for that balance too and I needed more information.It said that an individual can be balanced if they think as their gender and half as the other one.There are huge differences between women and men,but there are cases of having both and being normal.Or is that overrated?
People always put labels and stickers on every ones forehead and It changed our mentality a lot in the course of the years.It's about marketing and publicity and that's how people perceive themselves now.As what they're given.
Going back to the Idea I started,I am a woman.Our minds are a solution,a chemical reaction of all that makes you who you are.All the abilities,the parts of your personality,make the whole You.This is me.My ambition,my anger,my persuasion,my ability to get up and fight again,my endless power of keeping hope around me.The amount thrown in that bowl is exactly the result of Me as Individual.So are you and every single person on this planet.That's one of the tiny and enormous difference between us.
My molecules speak for me.

The waiting!

Every idea that rumbles in our minds is maybe a way to open a new door to a new start,thought or blockage.I preffer to think that most of my thoughts can help me find the road and the destination that Im searching.Isn't ironic,we always search something but never know exactly what?I guess that is the interesting part of life.I don't think I would like to know the future or to have a plan so strict that I forget to smile or enjoy the little things.
During my "rumble" of thoughts...I watch the mothers waiting to pick up their children.
I went inside to take the little blond innocent girl with shiny blue eyes.It's the second time I see her.She seemed quiet and shy.I looked at her and she just showed me the door.
"Ga naar buiten." (Go outside) ,she said.
Of course I did so because It was normal to do so.
After she went out from the building,she beggan to run to the back of the school,throwing herself on the ground,shouting and kicking me with her feet.
In this whole time,I tried to remain calm and figure out what was the problem.I surely didnt't expect that reaction.But it went good.I ended up taking her in my arms and walking to the place we supposed to be taken with the buss.
I am mentally exhausted by the energy she threw at me.But it doesn't matter.The road goes on and on.
I wonder what would've happen if I didn't come today at Dann's work.Would've the incident still taken place?Or my presence can influence the world as much as a tiny creature like an ant.I know that my actions have consequences,but I never believed that by just being there can also make the same big difference.
We will never know how much power we have and I strongly think we shouldn't know...because we still can't handle knowledge or information.We just don't know it yet....

The Morning Coffee Thought!

I so love the smell of coffee in the morning.And now with the sun passing through the windows and the light touching my cheecks,I feel calm.I love the fact that I didnt't turn on the Tv or Radio to disturb my mind like we all do everyday.We don't know how to appreciate silence anymore.Good that I still can,because I try to take that dependance out of my life.So today ,no television at all.
Last night I stayed at home,alone.It's festival time,like circus + party that takes for few days and everyone was there.Why didn't I went?Well,first there was no one to go with.Sounds pathetic but It's the truth.It's a hard life when you move to another country where everything that you were familiar with is gone.People are different and they preffer the familiar people they grew up with.That's what happens in small comunities.
Let's not blame them.I don't.There are many other reasons why you can't build a strong friendship here.For example,Im not independent yet.I live for a year here and the part with the documents is not going so good.The result to that is not having the posibility to work legaly,so no money in my pockets.That wasn't so bad when I was in Romania,Bucuresti.Because I had friends and way more ideas of activity than here.Difference;big city ,small town.

Developing Yourself !

I've always been creative with a rich imagination,and I use it a lot,but maybe not at it's full capacity.Now I decided to use that and develop it as much as I can.Why ? Because my life needs a meaning,a purpose,and the only way to find that purpose is to explore me and my abilities.This will turn out as my world of bright colors and shades of grays.Extracting my thoughts and feelings and turning them into words.
The mechanism that I am(cause we are complex,as humans) is unique and there is no one or nothing that can relate to Individuality.That is what I'm going to enjoy.Life is precious and so do I.
Isn't that right ,stranger?